Criticism and Coaching
“Criticism is futile because it puts people on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts their sense of importance and arouses resentment.”
When I retired from hockey almost a year ago, I told myself no more hockey. No beer league, no coaching, no spectating. I was burned out, jaded, and eager to start a new chapter in my life. 11 months later, I find myself at the rink 4 days per week and driving all over the Okanagan for games. After taking a step back, I had a change of heart - I’d be doing a disservice if I didn’t at least try to give back to a sport that gave me so much. At the last minute I signed up to be an assistant coach for an under fifteen team, and I’ve enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. One of the aspects of coaching I’ve been fascinated with is how to deliver criticism in an effective manner. It’s a difficult tightrope to walk. As Dale Carnegie aptly noted, when dealing with people, remember you’re not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity. And let me tell you, 13 and 14 year old boys are the epitome of illogical creatures, fueled by out of control hormones. When it’s necessary to deliver criticism, I think it’s important to keep in mind Carnegie’s two principles below. In most interactions in life, it’s possible to apply both of these principles directly before the criticism. Meanwhile in sport, in the heat of moment, sometimes harsh criticism is warranted and necessary. I’ve been privy to some well timed, expletive filled rants that have worked wonders. In cases like those, the bank of goodwill must be built up beforehand.
Principle #1 - Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
“It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.”
Wayne Gretzky, in four seasons as the Arizona Coyotes’ head coach, never had a winning record. One of the reasons I think he failed as a coach was his experience playing hockey was so far outside the norm. He was so gifted that he didn’t go through the same trials and tribulations that all hockey players endure. It had to be difficult for him to understand and relate to his players’ struggles. If you look at the playing careers of the coaches in the NHL, you’ll notice a common theme - the vast majority of the coaches were “grinders” or even minor leaguers. The Colorado Avalanche’s head coach, Jared Bednar, spent 12 years playing in the ECHL. Also, the longest tenured coach in the NHL, Jon Cooper, has been called the Ted Lasso of the NHL. He didn’t play hockey past high school and was a lawyer before embarking on his coaching career. In my opinion, you have to earn trust before you deliver criticism; an effective way to do that is being transparent about your struggles. It’s much easier to accept criticism when you know the other person has been through similar experiences.
Principle #2 - Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
“A barber lathers a man before he shaves him.”
A 19th century American philosopher, William James, said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” To take that one step further, what we need is to feel important and desired. One of my coaches in the AHL, who is now a head coach in the NHL, was skilled at this principle. He was an intense, demanding coach during the game, but quick to hand out praise afterwards. He would praise multiple players in front of the team after a win. Sometimes he’d go a step further and text a player words of appreciation after a strong performance. This consistent positive reinforcement made his players much more receptive to the criticism that followed. He built up the bank of goodwill.
Source for all quotes: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.